Who am I?

Who am I? We often ask this question from ourselves but this search for self is way beyond our imagination. For me, this question came in at a very early age, 16. I was pumped and ready for a future that I had pictured in my head. Giving my O level exams then go for A levels and later, try to go abroad to study or get married to someone I liked but while I was planning it all, God had His plans ready. 

My ordinary teenage took a dramatic turn. My life changed in one night. Despite a prior history of some nerve pain, the probability of becoming paralyzed was simply out of question, for me and my family. Up till that day when I woke up and could not bear my weight anymore, my ailment was 'normal' because we all have nervous and muscular pain at times. All we need is a good pain killer and some good sleep to be ready to face the world again. Not in my case. No. Like my whole life, it was also not 'normal' but something exceptional. 

Giant Cell Tumor (GCT). Most of the people experience this type of tumor in arms, feet or any other joint of the body but guess which joint nature chose for me? The spinal joints, specifically T1-C7. In simpler words, the initiation of the back and the end of the neck. I won't go into details of the ordeal that my family faced but one thing is guaranteed, it was the toughest time one could imagine especially for us as a family. 

'She's a girl, what will happen now?'

'Will she be able to conceive?'

'Be patient, this ailment is very long.'

A few hints of what we heard and went through. Even the closest people turned blue at times, insensitive and negligent of our emotions. A turmoil of emotions if I put correctly. I had a couple of surgeries to get the tumor removed and put the pressure off of my spine. For some reason, I was calm. Patient. Now when I look back, it was God who backed me up. He was with me, never letting me lose hope, ever! I am a paraplegic. Some portion of the tumor is still there but the doctors say that whatever is done is the most they can do. Despite listening to sentences like, 'She won't recover anymore. Thank God, she can move her wheelchair.', I HAVE NOT GIVEN UP NOR I WILL. I have seen His plan working out in my life. I have felt His presence in the absence of all humans. However I or anyone tries, I refuse to give up on His mercy.

Coming back to the question, Who am I? I stopped studying. Did not felt motivated to study but then, back in 2017, He helped me to gain the strength to study again. Face the world outside. I gave my O & A-Level exams in 2 years, now I'm aspiring to do my bachelor's. All my studies were home-schooled. No tuition or extra help. 

I found myself when I first wrote an article as a freelancer. I felt great. It was something that made me happy. I started blogging. I shared my story and experiences but something was still missing. I wrote a story. Short story. Published it and the response was outstanding. I was praised a lot. Then, I started writing stories regularly. I was a storyteller. A writer. That was it. I cracked the code. I have self-published my first book, The Stranger. Working on the upcoming book. I write what I know, what I have experienced in life. I aim to share it with others so that they may also benefit from my experiences and avoid the agony that I endured.

When you have the will to fight and God on your side, anything is possible but defeat is impossible. Have faith in Him and yourself, that's enough armor for a lifetime of fighting. Much strength to those still 'hanging in there'.

Much Love,

Zahra A.